iPhone
The iPhone operates on the A-series chip architecture, currently capable of performing 15.8 trillion operations per second on neural engine tasks alone. Response times for user interface interactions measure in milliseconds.
Data retrieval from worldwide servers occurs at speeds limited primarily by network infrastructure rather than device capability. A user can access the complete works of Shakespeare, translate them into Mandarin, and send them to Antarctica in under eight seconds.
Boot time from complete power-off to operational status averages 25-30 seconds on current models, though most users maintain perpetual standby states to avoid this inconvenience.
Tea
Tea operates on an entirely different temporal framework. Proper preparation requires 3-5 minutes of steeping time, with some varieties demanding up to 7 minutes for optimal flavor extraction.
Water heating adds an additional 4-8 minutes depending on equipment and starting temperature. The complete tea preparation cycle, from kettle activation to first sip, averages 10-15 minutes under normal domestic conditions.
This apparent disadvantage has been reframed by tea proponents as a feature rather than limitation, arguing that the enforced waiting period provides necessary psychological transition time between activities. The tea industry has successfully marketed slowness as mindfulness.
VERDICT
In pure velocity metrics, the iPhone maintains an insurmountable advantage. The device processes information at speeds incomprehensible to human perception, while tea preparation operates at a pace recognizable to medieval peasants.
However, this category warrants careful interpretation. The iPhone's speed enables behaviors that may not serve human interests, including the consumption of 400 social media posts during the time tea requires for preparation. Whether this represents progress remains a matter of philosophical debate.
The iPhone claims this criterion through raw performance metrics, though victory here correlates with documented increases in anxiety disorders and attention deficits across populations.