Pizza
Pizza maintains a velocity of precisely zero miles per hour under all observed conditions. The item is categorically stationary, incapable of independent locomotion, and entirely dependent upon external forces for any change in geographic position.
This represents a fundamental limitation of the pizza format. Whether resting on a countertop in Naples or awaiting delivery in a cardboard containment vessel, pizza demonstrates no capacity whatsoever for self-propulsion. Even when thrown as a projectile by frustrated pizzeria workers, the pizza achieves only temporary momentum before returning to its default state of complete immobility.
From a transit perspective, pizza requires human intervention, motorized vehicles, or gravity to achieve any displacement. This dependency constitutes a significant operational constraint that cannot be overlooked in serious comparative analysis.
Tea
Tea demonstrates remarkable velocity characteristics that vary significantly based on physical state. In liquid form, tea poured from a standard teapot achieves flow rates of approximately 2-3 liters per minute, enabling rapid deployment from vessel to cup.
When heated, tea exhibits convection currents that create continuous internal movement, maintaining temperatures through dynamic thermal circulation. The beverage essentially stirs itself through physics, requiring no mechanical intervention to achieve homogeneous temperature distribution.
Perhaps most significantly, tea vapor rises at measurable velocities, carrying aromatic compounds upward at speeds exceeding several feet per second. This atmospheric dispersion enables tea to announce its presence across considerable distances, a capability pizza cannot replicate without being combusted.
VERDICT
The velocity differential between these competitors is not merely substantial but philosophically absolute. Tea possesses measurable speed in multiple forms. Pizza possesses none. This is not a close contest requiring nuanced interpretation.
Pizza's complete lack of self-propulsion represents what comparative analysts term a categorical failure. While tea flows, circulates, and vaporizes in continuous motion, pizza remains wherever humans place it, motionless as a culinary monument to inertia. One might argue that stillness has its virtues, but speed was the criterion, and pizza has definitively failed to demonstrate any.
Tea claims this category by the simple fact of possessing a speed greater than zero, which mathematically exceeds pizza's contribution to the velocity conversation by an infinite percentage margin.