Procrastination vs Tank

Durability procrastination Wins

70%

30%

Procrastination Tank

Procrastination

Archaeological evidence suggests procrastination has persisted since Homo sapiens first decided that cave paintings could wait until tomorrow. The Oxford Temporal Persistence Laboratory confirms that no civilisation has successfully eradicated procrastination despite thousands of years of productivity seminars, time management scrolls, and motivational hieroglyphics. It shows no signs of weakening.

Tank

Modern tanks boast impressive armour capable of withstanding significant punishment, yet remain vulnerable to rust, mechanical failure, and budget cuts. The average main battle tank requires constant maintenance and becomes obsolete within decades. The Institute for Military Archaeology notes that tanks from merely seventy years ago now serve primarily as playground equipment and traffic obstacles.

VERDICT

Has outlasted every civilisation that attempted to defeat it

Versatility procrastination Wins

70%

30%

Procrastination Tank

Procrastination

Procrastination adapts seamlessly to any task requiring completion, from doctoral theses to dental appointments, from tax returns to tank maintenance. The Zurich Flexibility Assessment Centre awards it maximum marks for domain-independence, noting that it functions with equal effectiveness whether the stakes are trivial or catastrophic. No specialised training required.

Tank

Tanks excel at a remarkably narrow range of activities: moving forward whilst armoured, and delivering ordnance to designated locations. The Military Versatility Index notes significant limitations in urban environments, jungle terrain, and any situation requiring subtlety. Attempts to employ tanks for peaceful purposes have produced underwhelming results in agriculture, public transport, and food service.

VERDICT

Equally effective against all tasks regardless of importance or domain

Global reach procrastination Wins

70%

30%

Procrastination Tank

Procrastination

Operating simultaneously across all inhabited continents, procrastination maintains an unparalleled global presence. The World Productivity Organisation estimates that at any given moment, 4.2 billion people are actively postponing something important. Unlike military equipment subject to export restrictions, procrastination crosses borders freely, requires no maintenance budget, and functions equally well in democracies and authoritarian regimes alike.

Tank

Tanks remain concentrated in approximately 140 nations, with significant portions either mothballed or awaiting spare parts that someone has been meaning to order for several months. The Geneva Convention on Armoured Distribution notes that geographical constraints, fuel requirements, and the inconvenient necessity of trained operators significantly limit tank deployment compared to procrastination's effortless omnipresence.

VERDICT

Present in every nation simultaneously without requiring logistics or fuel

Cost effectiveness procrastination Wins

70%

30%

Procrastination Tank

Procrastination

Procrastination operates on an entirely cost-free basis for the individual practitioner, requiring no initial investment, subscription fees, or specialist equipment. The Treasury Analysis of Wasted Potential calculates that whilst procrastination costs the global economy approximately £450 billion annually, these costs are distributed so widely that no individual feels financially responsible. Truly remarkable efficiency.

Tank

A modern main battle tank costs between £4 million and £10 million before factoring in crew training, ammunition, fuel, and the inevitable replacement of components that someone forgot to inspect. The Defence Procurement Inefficiency Board notes that tank programmes routinely exceed budgets by factors that would cause procrastinators to delay reviewing the figures indefinitely.

VERDICT

Free to acquire and operate, with costs externalised to employers

Intimidation factor procrastination Wins

70%

30%

Procrastination Tank

Procrastination

The Hamburg Institute for Behavioural Terror rates procrastination at 9.2 on the Existential Dread Index, noting that unlike physical threats, it cannot be escaped through geography. Procrastination follows its victims across time zones, through career changes, and into retirement. Studies indicate that the mere thought of an approaching deadline produces cortisol levels comparable to encountering a moderately aggressive swan.

Tank

A main battle tank registers an impressive 8.7 on the same index, though researchers note that intimidation diminishes rapidly with distance. The Royal College of Fear Response observes that tanks produce immediate terror but allow for the possibility of running away, a luxury procrastination notably does not provide. Furthermore, tanks are mercifully absent from most bedroom ceilings at 3 AM.

VERDICT

Cannot be outrun, hidden from, or defeated through conventional means

Topic Battle